Collars are very symbolic things. Sacred. Important. Special. And NEVER something that should be given without a clear understanding of what it means, by all parties involved.
If you EVER give a collar to someone you better be completely clear on what it means and hold yourself responsible as the one who gave it to THEM. Yes the receiving end is equally responsible of being communicative of needs/want/expectations. But recently, I’ve had the horror of hearing of at least 4 individuals coming forward to speak on the emotional abuse they went through because they were mislead about being collared. From the same exact person.
It frustrates me to no end to see people taken advantage of: emotionally, physically, psychologically. I will be the first one to tell you, someone who collars you should show you the MOST respect, love, compassion, understanding and time; not dismiss you for needing a second of their attention or voicing a concern about your relationship. Further, if you wrong someone, be aware of how small this community is and how patterns and reoccurring offenders are not lost to those who network.
If the person collaring you ever makes it about you and your assumptions or how you misunderstood what the collar meant, how you’re the problem, or how you’re being needy, THEY have failed as the top/sir/dom/master/handler/daddy.
LD: All too often boys/pups/subs are lead to believe that their loyalty, love, and submission are things are dom is entitled to, rather than things that must be earned and nurtured.
MA: Very well written and should be mandatory reading for any D/s type.
KW: Thank you pup for being a fierce advocate of this. I too know what the emotional abuse of this feels like first hand. I vow never to do that to any of my collared subs - I value each one of you too much - ESPECIALLY you puppy! Thanks for being my rock through all of this unnecessary drama!
CP: This resonates on many levels personally and the poor definition of intent of collar left my roomie a damn mess quite recently. Love love this post
DW: Well said! collars have such different meanings - i've seen locked collars, open collars, temporary collars (i.e. what i call "event collars") and collars worn just during a scene. Communication is key!
JA: Very much agreed with. With great collars comes great responsibility.
LM: It makes me sad to see people using collaring as a whim or a trend or excitement over attention they were previously not getting. I've never considered getting collared or collaring because it feels like something even MORE sacred than a standard dating situation. The amount of deference it requires isn't something I have. So to see it abused really irritates me, and to disrespect it really dilutes the waters.
SB: My first collar from a Sir turned into a very abusive relationship. He became possessive and mentally hurtful. Next collar I'll know better.
DR: Every time I have had the honor of being collared, I have had to learn that the man I'm submitting to is not perfection. Like myself, he is a work in progress that is forging the path ahead with me with a commitment, and an intentionality that comes from a place of love and devotion. As a Sir I always believe that I am doing my absolute best and that my fierce love and protection of the boy will make our connection last for years...and alas, shit still happens and sometimes things must end. And sadly in the aftermath there are the 'spectators' of the community that take the Sir to task, saying he should have done this better or been more diligent about such and such. Alas, we are still growing just like the boys are, and we do the best we can.
AS: i do love this perspective. All people are constantly learning and, i hope, growing from their experiences. We should use our mistakes as learning moments, share them and make it something others can learn from as well. This is a wake-up call to anyone who has failed in a relationship. Learn, grow, and do right by your dom or sub respectively. If you've fucked up, own it and apologize and don't repeat those mistakes again. Thank you for sharing 🙂
DR: Thank you! And now that I've engaged back into being a collared sub - with very unique parameters - I've retained everything I've learned from those hard mistakes of the past and I can now remind myself, that my dom is not psychic, he isn't perfect, he needs me to speak up even if I'm repeating something from before...AND I need to communicate the insecurities I don't want him to know about.
BH: But this is true of a relationship that does not have the outward symbol of the collar.
AS: A collar does instill a certain headspace or mindset that is separate of a normal relationship, I would argue. But many parallels exist.
BF: I can't wait to have the honor of a collar. Seems like a dream but maybe one day it'll be real. Thank you for the insight as I'm still incredibly new to rules and such.
MM: It's not an "accessory" it's a commitment, a promise , and if either party isn't ready for that then they should be honest!! Not abuse it as some passing whim
SG: I take the concept of a collar VERY seriously. It is meaningful, symbolic, and sacred. All relationships struggle and I have had the agonizing decision of having to end a collared relationship. It was not intended to change behavior...it was because the collar had lost meaning. I am saddened by guys who treat it and most of the important symbols in what I used to thing of as my community as a fashion accessory. They are like tourists who deface sacred buildings, steal artifacts, add their initials to petroglyphs, or knock over rock formations out in the desert. And sadly......they outnumber the men I consider my brothers. I used to think hard work would make a difference. But it doesn't seem to. But I have noticed that when you diminish the respect for any place it becomes full of tourists. Collars will probably be replaced by something else that truly symbolizes the important things they once represented. But this time we'll keep our damn mouths closed so that the posers won't know.
NP: This is amazing! 100% agree! Not something to be taken lightly. And like you said, the responsibility falls on both parties. Thank you for posting this.
TH: I have one ownership collar on a boy. It's a forever collar, towards his greater good.
Discussed by Pup Amp on Facebook